Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
