i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
