i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I booty called her while she was in labor.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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