Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
