apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
