yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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