I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
