Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize