This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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