life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
