i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I CAN MOONWALK!
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
