Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He better not be in your backpack
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Do you have feelings for this penis?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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