Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
