3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
