it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
