Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
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