I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?