WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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