he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
