I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
