So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I'm like, not good at living.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
