How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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