I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
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