I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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