I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
