So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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