The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
