When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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