your thong is hanging out like whoa
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
