what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
This toilet bowl is my home.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
