fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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