how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
