im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
