I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
