He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
