Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
