I wish I only lived at night.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
