so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Randomize
