Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
