2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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