did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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