everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
