Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
