i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
