i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
