I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
