he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
