Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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