He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
