I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
