i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Randomize
