I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
