do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
