Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
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I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
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She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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