Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
