The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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