mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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