I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
We left an ass print on the piano.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
